If I Were To Online Date…

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My friend just signed up for online dating(barf) and I was cracking up reading the “about me” sections of those things with her. She didn’t enjoy the mockery but I couldn’t help it. (Plus I saw TWO GUYS I KNOW ARE MARRIED!)  I respect people choosing online dating as an option, it is none of my business, but it isn’t something I would ever do.  I wonder what would happen if people were brutally honest with their profiles….  I started thinking about what my online dating profile would sound like. Haaa  Here it goes:

You may not call me “Babe.”  That is a generic term that guys use as a catch-all and more than likely, was used on every girlfriend you’ve ever had.  If you’re going to be with me, you’re going to “Say.My. Name!”

If your mom is a meddler and attempts to subtly put down your girlfriends over dinner, I am not the woman for you.  I am too old to be polite to mean mothers.  I will not wince before verbally nailing your mother to the wall, no matter how cute you are. I regrettably tolerated bad parents when I was young and naive – I won’t do it again.

I come with two dogs a cat, rabbit, and some really annoying God kids whom I love very much.  They will want to be your friend, how you treat them can and will be a deal breaker.

I’m set in my ways, that means you are welcome in my home but the minute you start trying to rearrange my furniture and/or attempting to change me in general; you are history. I’m still wild enough to try almost anything once, but I like myself the way I am, I’m not changing. But, I promise to return the favor.

I really don’t enjoy large crowds, gambling, Vegas, or middle-aged men that still talk about the football pass they made senior year of high school or college.  Living in your past sucks.

I can’t twerk and I don’t want to.

If you don’t believe in good dental health keep scrolling.  If you floss religiously everyday, call me.

In my opinion, a great sandwich consist of only cuts, a fresh roll, mustard, red onion, and mayo.  I like onions and garlic a lot, this will work out better if you do too.

Music, movies, nature, and art are part of my life force.

I can’t compare Star Wars to Star Trek, I won’t choose sides.

I prefer a man with a big nose, big feet, and big hands. (Think Adrian Brody or Robert De Niro)

My idea of a good time is an old cabin in the middle of the forest, good wine, books, delicious food, quality clothing, great leather boots(I like to get dirty if my feet are comfortable), tiny cubes of cheese, dessert, comfortable furniture, a fireplace, and a Range Rover(if it’s good enough for the queen…) to get me back into the city every few weeks. ☺💜

If that sounds boring to you keep on clicking………

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