If I had the balls to be a cougar…..

I was in Macy’s today and watched in horror as a woman killed cougardom.  I was in a bag clutching (Amrita Singh), hiding behind the shoe rack, trying not to stare-stupor as this older woman walked right up to a hot twentysomthing man and said, ” Boy, you sureeee smell nice!  I got a whiff of you walking by….and hey! men like to get compliments too, right?!” IT was in that moment, that they both looked in my direction; the woman seeking approval or maybe a nod of confirmation, the young man looking for a life boat.  I reached for an imaginary hat to pull down over my eyes… I wasn’t wearing one.. I gulped and  moved straight into the “look the other way and turn trick” that all women know.   I began talking to God. “Uh, Jesus?  I think this one is for Mary if you care to pass this prayer off to her, thank you.” “Mary, I’ve got a woman down in Macy’s…over… do you copy?”  Obviously Mary wasn’t listening, because this woman continued.  She said, “Heyyy, let me tell you something, if I were 20 years younger you’d be going home with me tonight Mr.!”  When did truckers start shopping at Macy’s?  She had a glittered up rig parked outside near the food court; I was sure of it.  The poor kid was smiling and doing his best to be polite.  I would have been polite too, because it was evident that this woman could have easily beat the shit out of him.  She smiled, slapped him on the back, and said, “Alright, I’ll let you go.  Mannnn, I just couldn’t let you walk away without saying somethingggg, you know?”  That kid dropped his crew neck t-shirts and ran like hell; before I was able to do my next casual look away and roll move… he was gone.  I headed to the ‘mall” Red Robbin for a stiff drink. I was walking and thinking, why did she preface her come on with, “If I were 20 years younger….”   If you are going to be a Cougar, have the balls to just be a cougar. Go for the meat with no apologies.   Nike should make T-shirts with cougars on them that say, “Just do it.”  That might just get me into athletic wear.  Keep your eyes open for a glittered rig at a mall near you….I know she is out there lurking in a Men’s department somewhere.